Lost In Your Own Pretense

I'm missing my mom.
I miss my family.
I miss the solidity that their presences create in my world.
Everything is constantly changing on me.
Once I think I have my feet planted appropriately, the room tilts.
I miss the responsability being on someone else's shoulders.
How the hell did my mother manage me and my brother at the tender age of 26?
I'm 23 and I can barely get to class on time.
I miss the feeling of being sheltered from the storms of life.
I miss being ignorant of life's obstacles.
I'm so tired of hauling everything on my own.
If this is life, you can keep it, thanks.
I'd rather fashion my own version out of the scraps.
Even if it won't be perfect, it will be mine.
Mine and only mine, with my stamp on it.
'Jessica's authentic scraps of life'
Strung together with all the care she possess.
(Which is to say not much)
I wish I had the answers.
I wish I knew what to do.
Does it matter? At all?
Isn't life about doing what you want? What makes you happy?
How does it all come together?
I'm not old enough.
Or I am too old.
I miss my Mom.
I just want to be 'there' already.
I hate waiting.
And waiting...
And waiting....
-Jan 2008, Jessica Leigh
~confessions kill you over time, confess your love, leave me behind, give it up all night like a saint in the twilight hour, i don't need no one, i just want someone tonight~