i can feel it sitting in my chest.
the bubbles are tickling the back of my throat.
laughter is making it's way up my esophagus.
funny, funny, funny.
life is funny, man.
people you once thought you understood are turning.
blooming into something else entirely.
the shapes become grotesque parodies of what could have been.
mouths turn sideways in their slanted heads.
furtive.
you're all so furtive.
whispering to keep me from hearing but i know.
betrayal never stays quiet for long.
disgust blankets my senses
it's sad when you prefer a cokehead who is highly unstable
over
someone who just wants an equal and true friendship.
it's sad
and it says a lot about everyone involved.
apparently as you've all changed
so has your definition of 'friendship'
until everything is unrecognizable.
i don't want anything to do with people who want anything to do with that mess
it sickens me.
you've all grown but matured so little.
you make me feel crazy
(or is that just me?)
and so undesireable
in any given shape or form
well i'm done
i refuse to shield you from my sentiments
grow up or grow away
you're losing me
while i'm trying to lose you
i don't need neglect
or your forgetful excuses
you can keep them
and use them on each other
over and over and over
again
outraged, I'm outraged
something needs to change
i'm working on me
none of you are working on anything
(or so it seems)
the disparity grows
and the distance elongates
shape-shifting like you
but different
I remain mutable to the outside world
while inside i solidify
i will do what might make me happy
there's no tears in trying
all the invitations have been revoked
i would rather be alone
than in the midst of the betrayers
smiling vacant smiles that go nowhere before they die.
but not me
i will follow my own drummer
and leave you all tone deaf, behind.
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~My attempts at finding a creative identity~
1 comment:
(or so it seems) is probably the most important line in this poem. or so it always seems from your own perspective. it's the only perspective that comes to us easily. but if we never try things from another person's perspective, we alienate them. we alienate ourselves. we become alienated from experience. we are limited to our own perspective by our own expectations. we are all different, all unique, and we pride ourselves on it. but then when everyone else around us is not like us, does not act according to our rules, our expectations, we are shocked. so what is it? do you want everyone to be the same? maybe that's less complicated. maybe there is less misunderstanding. but that's boring. and you are unique. so be it. be unique and let everyone else be. and roll with whatever love they can give you. don't judge their love's worth. just take it and leave the rest. cause you aren't changing anybody by alienating them.
we're all just getting by, experiencing our own lives, popping in and out of each other's. we only have ourselves to rely on for our own experience. so if you choose to ignore the love, that is your experience.
i can't be sure whether any of your post is directed at me, if you feel maybe i have been an undeserving, uncommitted friend. but it is clear this is directed at someone. all i can say is i love you, and i know your friends love you. and that as long as you put expectations on your friends, they are going to fail to live up to them and they are going to begin to question your friendship because if you can't see the love, then you aren't looking for it.
maybe you feel this is not my place, but i read your blog and you posted this and i imagine that you are looking for some sort of reaction. besides, i try not to limit myself to 'my place'. maybe you posted this so your friends would all shape up. they won't. cause they have nothing to shape up to. there is no mould. don't try to make one. besides, real love is unconditional so our faults are to be embraced. we are perfect in our imperfections. and we are all trying, in our own way, to get by. to get love. to give love. and again, if you can't see this, you aren't looking hard enough.
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