Dos Cabezas

The grey sky seems alive as it roils forward, swallowing up the feeble sunshine. It threatens from afar and pushes down on the open land like a massive press; bringing everything closer and closer together until the air crackles with latent static electricity. The trees here are withered from the strain of fighting to keep their hold in the ground. They spread their sickly arms over their plotted land, neatly cordoned off from the rest of the world by rickety looking wraught iron fences. The posture is nearly defensive, gathering the brooding tombstomes into the withered bosoms of the trees. Mother Nature has not forgotten them. The city is gone, dismantled long ago and the train tracks have laid vacant for generations. The descendants of those left behind have given up their relatives as lost to history. But not nature. She keeps sentry over these souls and their decrepit resting places until they can be reclaimed...

-JLP Nov 2008

Worst Friday In A While

Today sucks shit.
Normally Fridays are exciting, as in "weee, it's the end of the work week!"
Not so today. I am the only one of my co-workers who showed up today. 3 people are off sick and the fourth is helping at the office down the block. So it is myself and the dude who'd been trained for 2 days by our OTHER TRAINEE.
You can imagine my excitement over this. I also agreed (volunteered) to work tomorrow at the Open House for the new cable store....I was SUPPOSED to go to a meeting about what is expected tomorrow around 10am this morning. Because we are so depleted with staff, I was told I would not be able to attend that meeting. However, at ab0ut 10:05am, I was given a quick 10 minute tutorial on how to use a new program.
So they have time to spare for their meeting, but not the one I need to be in. I am beyond annoyed, I am pissed off. I HATE getting up early.
ANYONE who has EVER known me will testify that I am NOT a morning person. Regardless, I have been working the 7am to 3:30pm shift. Which means I get up at 6 am and am back in bed by 6:30pm. Now that I have given up my Sat afternoon for this stupid open house no one else would do, I now also have to get up early to get there to be briefed on what everyone else was told today. I have to GET UP EARLY on my ALREADY shortened weekend because of my co-workers.
Isn't life just peachy? I get my period last night, (and I take medication because my cramps are so bad) I get locked out of the house because the roomate is oblivious and obsessed with locking the door, I have to get up early, I already feel like shit - discover no one else will be coming in! - and that I now have to get up even earlier than planned to work on my weekend.
I am going to cancel my doctors appointment for tonight because I just want to go home and break things. How come everyone else gets like 3 weeks off for mental health but the person who fantasizes daily about jumping off the bridge into the freezing Yukon River? How does that pan out exactly??? How is it that I can manange to drag my ass in here but no one else can?
This is fucking retarded.
-Jessica Leigh Nov 2008

The House hides in Me

My fingers are numb
Just these two last ones
Like they didn't quite make it in time
or have been voted off the island
of me, myself and I

I'd rather just cut them off
than send a lifeboat
let them go like the traitors they are
turncoats!

-Jessica Leigh Nov 2008

My cats are my babies. They are spoiled rotten. They have hallowe'en costumes, christmas outfits, about 4 different types of treaties and some of the best kitty food money can buy. When I go to bed at night, they jump up onto the bed and pick their spots. Generally Elton will sleep near the foot of the bed and Cece will snuggle up to my chest or back.
They occasionally forgo snuggling with me to snuggle with each other which is somewhere on the "Top 10 Cutest Things Ever" list from Forbes. They groom each other and snuggle into each other's fur, sometimes Elton will wrap his fluffy little arm around Cece to keep her from squirming away.
They are so cute that I could just poop. A great big, fuzzy and heart warming poop. They make me squeal with excitment and laugh with glee.
Is it sad that cats do this to me and people in general don't? That animals in general garner affection and warmth and humans make me crazy with frustration and anger?
If people acted more like my cats or my dogs, I would probably enjoy their company more.
Take a lesson people!!
-Jessica Leigh

Pre-Dentage

I remember the night like it was yesterday
Lord, how we laughed!
Smiley faces and green chemicals below a black line
Means you are fine to drive
Until your text comes in an hour later
I'm home in one piece
but there may or may not have been some dentage
along the way
no-one is hurt but the neighbours porch
has taken on a drunken lean
Like a sailor with one good leg to perch on.
Lord, how we laughed!

-Jessica Leigh, Nov 17/08

Hell-raiser

So what do you do with a cat that likes to push things off of shelves, dressers, etc?

Elton John, (my cat - not the singer) has been a bad kitty since he's been strong enough to push things off my old bookshelf. Indulge me, and visualize the following!
It's 4am...everything is dark and quiet. You are snuggled up in your duvet/comforter/lover and lie unsuspecting in comfort. Out of nowhere, an extremely loud crack, like the reverb of a shotgun, explodes beside your ear. You shoot up into a sitting position, your eyeballs rolling around to identify the source...and they land on an overweight, orange and white, innocent looking ball of fluff with books scattered around his little bum.
It is ungodly early and you have to be up in 2 hrs. You attempt to punush him with a firm "no!" and swat on his fuzzy little head. As soon as you lay back down, he sneaks back to the scene of the crime and pulls more books down to raise thunder beside your head.
At this point, I try to counter with something he finds equally annoying - snuggling.
I scoop him up and nuzzle the top of his little head, holding onto his suprisingly slippery and squirmy body. Finally, when he is desperate to get out of my grasp and I am desperate to get back to sleep, I release him.
However, this never seems to work and he ultimately gets back at me by pushing something breakable off the shelf. Dealing with broken glass and spilled drinks at 4:45 am was NOT part of this contract, thank you!
I have succumb to jamming him into his travel cage once he starts to act like a little bastard...
I thought cats were intelligent?? My dog knew better than to piss me off at 4 am unless it was an emergency! This seems to be some sick cat game that only Elton plays...CeCe watches from a distance, mildly amused by our back and forth antics.
So, I put it out there to my fellow cat owners---help!
-Jessica Leigh Nov 2008

Jovial Destruction

I'm sick of our old selves
I've shed this skin
Outgrown, like you.

Peeled the layers back
in order to investigate
all the discrepencies

Slide back into the past
and re-live yourself
glory days don't last

Soon the world will evolve
And all the people in it
will wonder how....

All of the chances
and all of your choices
led you in circles

Will you confess?
To your denouncement
of morality?

To the blindness
inflicted on yourself
willingly, happily

Blissfully unawares
of anyone besides yourselves
and the damage done

Play the games
and laugh the hardest
no one will ever know

Just how far and deep
your mental and emotional
deficiences go.

I know all about
what is hidden behind
your smiles and joy

Your sicknesses will claim more
than just my friendship
or devotion

It will burn the sparkle
out of your eyes
and out of your lives

-Jessica Leigh Sept 23/08

Church Lady Pies

are the best part of church.

Quantam Entanglement

I am sending my intentions to you all
time will tell if they get through
entangled in your filament
my struggles alert your feet
time to crush or run, depending on the vibrations.

my antagonistic bend
curves around you in
silent reproof
following every sadistic curve
of your misshapen self

the words that crawl
out of your gaping maw
smack of hypocrisy
peace and love and tolerance
and quiet rejection

let us all embrace
and dance the dance of love
of jesus and god
and all his teachings
with a few notable exceptions

the angry and the wronged,
the atheist and the heathen,
those who should need the most
and turned away under the guise
of unclean and unworthy.

God (if there is such a sentient being)
would smack the ever-living,
self-righteous, self- important,
preaching nonsense right out of
your useless mouth.

Those that claim to follow the word
more often than not ignore
the words that contradict
their interpretation of the core-
meanings of this cobbled gospel.

Interesting to note,
Satan, the sinner who
needs the most help,
never gets prayed for.
What is the point??

-Jessica Leigh Aug 08

Ode to the Ones I've Left Behind

All I can do is laugh
broad burts of boisterous brevity
brimming with incredulity
what's that you say?
we are all individuals
with our individual minds
and our individual identities
and individual histories.

Well I've been reading your history book
over all these years now,
and either I am stuck on the same page
or you have learnt nothing
of how to handle yourself as an individual
and make those relationships that are
so central to our species
work.

I embrace my abilities to think critically
judging is for those well enough informed
to discern between lies, excuses and the
multilayered truth.
what was good then has now run its course
and has been dismantled to make way
for the things that are of use.

The benefit of you in my life
does not outweight the damage done
We all suffer trials and tribulations
And despite the individual bend
helping hands are always present
for you but not for me
and you say you were not treated fairly?

Bitch, please!

Top Of The World

I wished I was smarter
I wished I stronger
I wish I loved Jesus
The way my wife does
I wished it'd been easier
instead of any longer
i wished i could have stood
where you would have been proud,
that won't happen now, that won't happen now

There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
disappearing everyday without so much as a word
somehow
think i broke the wings off the little songbird
she's never gonna fly to the top of the world
right now,
top of the world,

I don't have to answer,
any of these questions
don't have no got to,
teach me no lessons
I come home in the evening
sit in my chair,
one night they called me for supper
but i never got up
i stayed right there
in my chair

there's a whole lot of singing thats never gonna be heard
disappearing everyday without so much as a word
somehow
think i broke the wongs off the little songbird
she's never gonna fly to the top of the world
right now

I wished I'd have known
wished I'd have shown you
all of the things i
was on the inside
i pretend to be sleeping
when you come in in the morning
to whisper goodbye
go to work in the rain
i don't know why,
i don't know why

cause everyone's singing we just want to be heard
disappearing everyday without so much as a word
somehow
wanna grab a hold of that little songbird
take her for a ride to the top of the world,
right now

-Dixie Chicks LP "Home"

End of an Era

With so much of my world crumbling, it's hard to see any light at the end of my tunnel.
I would love to go back to Ottawa to be with my grandmother but I cannot afford the time off, and outside of family I have little to no reason to return. Only one person was concerned for my grandma's well being - only one. Out of the 100+ people who are my "friends" via facebook - one person took the time to see how my grandmother was faring and how I was feeling. He even offered to bring her flowers on my behalf without my needing to mention it. I do not need friends in my life who are more concerned with posting pictures.
It is clear that our priorities have diverged.
It would never occur to me to NOT see how a friend was doing after their great-grandfather died and their grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and a tumor on her fractured spine and then during surgery to install a chest tube for her treatments, her lung collapses. To me, that is much more important than posting pictures. While I can understand that people have their own issues and family problems to deal with, and that those take presedence over my issues, I cannot understand not acknowledging it at all.
Posting pictures of your exciting vacation, while enjoyable, does not comfort me. It does not reassure me that there is mutual care and respect in the friendship. If anything, it says boldly "Do not entreat upon my happiness with your sorrow". At the very least, while waiting for all of those pictures to upload, a few lines to show your concern would have been enough.
Quite frankly, I am a little disgusted.
The people I've spent years growing up with, confiding in, laughing and crying with couldn't give a toss if I've been bawling my eyes out every night or not.
I am sick of faux friends. I am perfectly capable of seeing that since I have arrived in Whitehorse, the amount of contact between us has dropped to more or less none. Even though I have given you all a long-distance free number that you could call. Even though my facebook was still available to you, you would rather "poke" me than make any real effort at communication.
Please keep that minimal gesture to yourselves from now on.
I used to love Ottawa, coming over the bridge by Moodie drive with the whole city stretched out used to give me a rush of pleasure. Now, I can only see the way that politics has infested the city, creating displaced values and a "me first" attitude.
Sadly, I fear it has trickled down to the youth of my generation. Pointedly ignoring the pain of others so that you can continue to have a good day, void of any negative thoughts, is a survival technique of those unable or unwilling to deal with the immediate reality. Even more sad is the use of this technique on so called "friends" when they perhaps need support the most.
So, I thank you for the years of laughter and now better understand the Ottawa definition of "friendship". It's not that your version of friendship is "wrong" it is just not right for me. I need more from a friend than the occasional flip greeting and half-assed inquries into my (now)personal life.
I hope that you can step out of yourselves to see where I am coming from. I need no reply to this rant, as there is not much that can be said to redeem anyone. I may have high expectations, but that is because I value quality, not quantity. As I get older, I realize more and more about myself, and I have come to see that I cannot tolerate "lazy friends" or anyone else who claims to be close to me and then does not take me and my personality into account. If we were really friends - we would set aside time to check up and talk etc. I feel I am constantly harassing people into being my friend, and I don't like it. All relationships need work, and I'm done doing the lion's share of the maintenance for them. I realize this won't sit well with most of you, but this has really choked me for sometime now and my feelings on the topic needed to be vented.
-Jessica Leigh

War of Opinions

Sometimes I fight with myself.
I can't help it.
Before the thoughts are completely formed in my head, tangents break out and create chaos.
The devil's advocate likes to play in my head.
My opinions, once finally formed, are like concrete.
Nearly permanent with their massive weight.
It takes mountains to move them.
Even while I struggle to release myself,
the mix is drying around you.

Agonies are one of my changes of garments

do we think this wire is better left live?

i can't get my eyes to focus.
they insist on reverting to a blurry state everytime my mind wanders.
or i turn my head.
they're about 3 seconds behind me today.
is that weird?
or a side-effect?
free time for a free bird
i wish i had a camera.
slow times at work
means skating time in the park

i can't wait
ice like a mirror with the backing gone
solid but indiscernable
get the jitters out
before they get comfy
and decide to stay.

Home - Selwyn Ch 1 (?)

If Selwyn O'Neil had any idea of what awaited her at the end of her journey, she did not show it. She looked out of the window of the 747 stoically, examining the passing clouds with apparent rapt attention. Her neighbor in the next seat chewed his ham and cheese slowly, so as not to dislodge his precarious dentures. 'Chewing his cud like a fucking cow' she thought viciously while sighing loudly into the glass of the window. As if the older gentleman could sense her unkind thoughts, he finished his sandwhich and rang for the stewardess.
A middle aged blonde woman with her hat slightly askew on her piled hair approached the row of seats. Selwyn looked up as the woman bent over to speak quietly to the cud chewer. She nodded repeatedly, nearly sending her hat tumbling into the old man's lap. As she straightened, presumably to comply with the wishes of her elderly passenger, Selwyn said "Hey!" rather loudly. The relative quiet of the plane was smashed and the stewardess' eyes widened while she jerked back from the seats as if she had been slapped.
Selwyn herself flushed, as if she had startled herself too.
"Sorry, I didn't realize how loud-"
"Ma'am, that type of outburst is not appreciated."
"I know, I'm trying to apolo-"
"If you continue to be distruptive, we'll have to follow up with disciplinary actions."
"I'm- I...what? What are you going to do? Spank me?"
"Ma'am...please keep your sarcastic comments to yourself, or you will be-"
"Spanked. I see you've had to take this airline before." A man's voice interjected. Selwyn, the stewardess, and the old man all craned their necks to see who had spoken.
He was sitting in the row behind, a ballcap pulled down over his forhead and large black designer sunglasses obscuring most of his face. He had a goatee which looked a little scruffy and his lips had twisted into a smirk. The stewardess seemed to know him immediately and blew out her breath in an impatient way, shaking her head. She patted the elderly man's shoulder and reassured him, narrowing her eyes at Selwyn before she finally left.
He slid his hand inbetween the seat cushions and offered it to Selwyn.
"My name is Stephen Cantin, and if you need to take some anger out I'll let you spank me. They're an uppity bunch on this airline."
Selwyn twisted in her seat, awkwardly taking his hand and shaking it. His skin was suprisingly smooth, and very warm. She found herself staring at the tattoo that peeked out from under his longsleeve tshirt. Belatedly, she caught herself and relinquished his hand, smiling at his comment. He tugged it back through the seats and returned her smile, flashing some of the whitest teeth Selwyn had ever seen on a man.
"My Momma taught me to never spank strangers, sorry Stephen."
"Well you know, you're the stranger. You know my name and everything."
"And everything huh? I guess fair is fair, my name is Selwyn O'Neil."
"Jesus...Selwyn? Selwyn? How in god's name do you spell that?"
She laughed at his incredulity and spelled it for him, undoing her seatbelt and turning, kneeling on the seat and looking over into the row behind.
A smile split his face as her head and shoulders popped up over the back of her seat.
"What is that, Jewish?" he asked, raising his eyebrow.
She laughed again, raising her own eyebrow back at him. "Do I look friggin' Jewish?"
He studied her for a moment before shaking his head. "Not particularily."
"It's gaelic. What are you going to Chicago for?"
"I'm going on business, I have to film a tv show tomorrow."
"You're an actor? No wonder you look familiar. What have you been in?" She smiled again, resting her chin on her crossed forarms.
He shook his head and smirked at her again. "Not really...nothing of note. I'm a musician. An out of work musician, but hopefully tomorrow will change that. What brings you to the Windy City?"
"I'm actually going to be on a tv show too, but I'm not a musician."
"Actress?"
"Writer." She nodded and raised her eyebrows at him, inviting him to comment. He went in another direction completely.
"Well, you'll have to give me your hotel room number so I can take you to dinner while your in town."
Selwyn took this abrupt request in stride, keeping her eyebrows raised. "Are you from here?" She countered instead of answering.
"Not at all, but I've been through enough to know the city pretty well." He let the travel sized table down and ripped a scrap of paper out of the in-flight magazine. Once he was done jotting a few things down, he offered it to Selwyn.
"That's my name again, in case you forget, and my cell number. When your free, call me. We'll work something out."
"OK....thanks. They don't mind you vandalizing their property?" She said with a smirk, jerking her head to the stewardess walking down the isle again.
He shook his head again and reached over his seatmate to tap the stewardess as she passed his row. She stopped and glared at him while he casually rolled the magazine up and passed it over.
"I'm ready for my spanking now."

Join the Chorus of the Unimpressed

Words are slippery things.
Still, I know which ones are directed at me.
but the funny thing about words is;
connotation.

What you mean and what I hear,
within are the discrepencies.

Words hold connotations.
Not action.
The story of a life (any life)
is the story of emotions
played out over a life span.

So to what end to ignore them?
To rise above the messy and dirty emotions,
the ones that don't make sense
and say "I refuse delivery."

Words are subjective, given meaning by context.
The context of scenario, language, diction, speaker.

No two realities are the same.
Words have no fixed meaning.
We have agreed that "red"
shall pertain to a colour in our society,
but that does not stop it from
connotations of blood and passion
amongst other things.

Words can have weight, but it is inert.
They have no action inherent in them.
They lay, trembling on the page, waiting for someone
to assign meaning.
It is the emotion they convey, stir up,
that initiates action.

Can I help that your words,
with their sliding connotations
have elicited something
other than intended from me?

Is this anyone's fault?
Can blame be affixed to anyone?
Should it?
Ego drives us around, sometimes missing the stops.
Sometimes it pulls them all out.
But to deny ego is to feed it.
To be above ego is to play to ego.

And we all play in the ego mudpit.
Some wade deeply, some only put their toes in,
Sometimes we play nice, sometimes not.
Some need help getting out, some getting in,
but we're all there.

There is, was, nothing nasty intended
not how you have read it
not for you
but those connotations are at work again.

Sometimes I feel as though I can read things
that no one else can see
but the connotations still elude
even occasionally, me.

-Jessica Leigh Feb 2008

*** Buying Time - Great Big Sea ***

i stayed awake for hours again last night, searching for a reason to keep up the fight, i've made choices i don't regret, but i've got problems i don't get, i didn't want to carry the heavier load, you can't always take the middle road, there comes a time when you make up your mind, and the point gets left behind/ oh lets wait one more day for the conversation, one more day to make it right, lets get away from the confrontation, one more day just buying time/ for years and years you can drift along, and write another verse to an endless song, wait one more day til the time is right, hoping that you both see the light, you won't see the light/lets wait one more day for the conversation, one more day to make it right, lets get away from the confrontation, one more day just buying time/ i'm not afraid to sleep alone, i'm not afraid to be alone, stayed awake for hours again last night, searching for a reason to keep up the fight, i've made choices i don't regret but i've got problems and problems and problems...oh lets wait one more day for the conversation, one more day to make it right, lets get away from the confrontation, one more day just buying time, just buying time, just buying time...

Manufacturer's Warning

It all piles up
the faster I shovel
the faster it falls
crumbling in
like so much sand
Is there nothing
which can stand?
Hold true to
integrity through
the flames.
We make glass,
transparent people
drifting past
window shopping
for a soul.
-Jessica Leigh, Feb 2008

Amen

"I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry."
Maxine Waters, in Brian Lanker, I Dream a World, 1989

...The sun doesn't give the light to the moon assuming the moon's gonna owe it one, it makes me think of how you act for me, you do favors then rapidly you just turn around and start asking me about things that you want back from me, I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger, sick of you acting like i owe you this, find another place to feed your greed while i find a place to rest,/ i wanna be in another place, i hate when you say you don't understand, i wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy, a place for my head / maybe someday I'll be just like you and step on people like you do, and run away all the people i thought i knew, i remember back then who you were, used to be calm, used to be strong, used to be generous but you should have known that you'd wear out your welcome and now you see how quiet it is all alone/ i'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger, sick of you acting like i owe you this, find another place to feed your greed while i find a place to rest... -- "Place for my Head" Linkin Park

purge, purge, purge
chuck it all
make some room
allow things out
and up, so slowly.

Not as hard as
I was expecting
to be honest
i just ride it
like a wave
one can't supress

let its power
rule everything
give up, cave in
crash into
emptyness
disembodiment

the wave cleans
refreshes, renews
destroys, corrupts,
drowns and cradles
all the garbled words
i could never say

and carries them all
out and out and out
to your shores
with so much ease,
grace even now
with the blackest skies
i've ever seen.

-Jessica Leigh Feb 2008

~Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.~ Benjamin Disraeli

Family Business

Collisions.
Life is a reoccuring series of collisions.
They vary in size, shape, impact.
They are as unavoidable as the oxygen that permeates our beings.
Some are pleasurable.
Soft collisions, of hearts or minds. Bodies even.
There are purposeful collisions.
The exactness of a football tackle, or a bodycheck in hockey.
There are painful collisions.
Hard collisions, jarring every iota of your being with it's abruptness.

I was not prepared.
My whole life, I have been braced against the various collisions.
I have expected them.
Welcomed them occaisonally.
This was not forseen, or welcomed.
I can taste the panic.
I can almost see the end, if I focus hard enough.
I can hear it all.
I know the sequence of events without having to be there.
We've lost control of the wheel.

The Wheel.
That bastard of chance.
The spinning, revolving, rotating wheel of luck has turned away from us.
How could it?
How COULD it?

It was mere days ago we drove to see you.
Support you.
Memorial service for the man you loved.
(We all loved)
You hugged me, and told me it meant a lot to see me there.
Promised me the strawberry daquiris he used to make.
(That I loved)
And now you are gone.
Taking the secret of the perfect daquiri with you.

All the lights have been turned down.
My only comfort in this maze of collisions
Is that you are reunited
And we shall be too
Eventually

~this is family business, and this is for the family that can't be with us, and this is for my cousin locked down i know the answers in us, thats why i spit it in my songs so sweet like a photo of your granny's picture, now that your gone, it hit us, super hard on thanksgivin' and christmas, this can't be right, yo you heard the track i did, man this can't be life, somebody please say grace so i can save face and have a reason to cover my face, i even made you a plate, soul food, you know how granny do it...~

Lucy Redux

How many false floors
must one fall though
to find the fault line
that cracks the back
of this camel?

Lucy the camel had,
two humps, Lucy the camel had
one hump, Lucy the camel had
no humps!

Lucy was a horse, of course
of course!
so obvious now
I'm not me
I'm her.
or her, or him
no humps!

Lead me to water
and hold me under
until the cobwebs are washed
then leave me to dry

Ground Floor, women's wear
and horse blankets
roomy enough for two
Lucy and Me,
no humps.

Shame

What we learned here is that love tastes bitter when it's gone
Past yourself, forget the light, things look dirty when it's on
Funny how it comes to pass that all the good slips away
and there's no one around you can remember being good to you

Shame, shouldn't try you,
couldn't step by you,
and open up more shame
shame, shame

what we lost here is something better left alone
second steps have been forgotten
will you tell me how they go?
set yourself, situate, like a fool try again,
there's no one around you can remember being good for you

shame, shouldn't try you
couldn't step by you
and open up more shame
shame, shame (2x)

We never thought we'd get so troubled
(never get this bad)
and we could never think that much
(never get this bad)
and we should never get this bad

so let the wind blow ya'
across the big floor
but there's no one around who can tell us what we're here for
but funny in a certain light how we all look the same
and there's no one in life you can remember ever stood for you

shame, shouldn't try you
couldn't step by you
and open up more shame
shame shame...

-Matchbox 20

Lost In Your Own Pretense

I'm missing my mom.
I miss my family.
I miss the solidity that their presences create in my world.
Everything is constantly changing on me.
Once I think I have my feet planted appropriately, the room tilts.
I miss the responsability being on someone else's shoulders.
How the hell did my mother manage me and my brother at the tender age of 26?
I'm 23 and I can barely get to class on time.
I miss the feeling of being sheltered from the storms of life.
I miss being ignorant of life's obstacles.
I'm so tired of hauling everything on my own.
If this is life, you can keep it, thanks.
I'd rather fashion my own version out of the scraps.
Even if it won't be perfect, it will be mine.
Mine and only mine, with my stamp on it.
'Jessica's authentic scraps of life'
Strung together with all the care she possess.
(Which is to say not much)
I wish I had the answers.
I wish I knew what to do.
Does it matter? At all?
Isn't life about doing what you want? What makes you happy?
How does it all come together?
I'm not old enough.
Or I am too old.
I miss my Mom.
I just want to be 'there' already.
I hate waiting.
And waiting...
And waiting....
-Jan 2008, Jessica Leigh
~confessions kill you over time, confess your love, leave me behind, give it up all night like a saint in the twilight hour, i don't need no one, i just want someone tonight~

Secret Song (Silly Little Thing)

is the richard gere gerbil story true?
who came 3rd in WW2?
did suti sleep with sue?
these things i think about
when i'm out, with you

what are the holes in biro's for?
which one's which in the corrs?
did Jefhurst really score?
cause frankly you're a bore
and i'm not.

and if it's leaving season you're 2nd on the list
if you won't leave me baby, i'll find someone who will
i tried love, i'm sorry
i tried love

does god ever get it wrong?
where has gary barlow gone?
why is christmas day so long?
it just goes on and on and on
...like you

and if it's leaving season you're the 2nd on the bill
if you won't leave me baby i'll find someone who will

i tried love, i'm sorry
i tried love
i tried love, and i'm sorry
i tried love

why is there ketchup on my sleeve?
do you think that adam fancied eve?
what if eve could not conceive?
and he had to breed with steve
we'd all be gay!
-Robbie Williams

Time On You

Come on down, bring along your radio
grey skies they clear up
everywhere that we go
i'm gonna stomp all over, your rainy day blues
and make up excuses for everything that we don't wanna do
and i, i stopped wasting my time on you
i stopped wasting my time

so move on over, like a bird you go so south
go on over, bulldog your face makes me mad
i say, out with the old shit, i'm gonna get it on with something brand new
and live life on my own terms, and make sure that my words get through

and i stopped wasting my time on you
i stopped wasting my time

and it gets so hard sometimes, to keep my head above the clouds
but we got rock and roll on in the house tonight
and i, i want to shout it out loud

so come on down, bring along your radio
grey skies they clear up
everywhere that we go
i'm gonna stomp all over your rainy day blues
make up excuses for everything that we don't wanna do
and i stopped wasting my time on you
i stopped wasting my time on you
i stopped wasting
i stopped wasting
i stopped wasting my time

-Shawn Tavenier and Silver Creek

I love this song. I love the whole cd. The lyrics are awesome, the music is kick-ass...Thank you Shawn Tavenier and Silver Creek for putting this project together. My ears will be forever grateful.

For You

I have set aside everything i love, i have saved everything else for you
I cannot decide what this doubt's made of, though i've gone over it through and through
in a book, in a box, high up on a shelf, in a locked and guarded vault
are the things I keep only for myself, it's your fate but it's not your fault

and for every useless reason i know, there's a reason not to care
if i hide myself wherever i go, am i ever really there?

there is nowhere else i would rather be, but i can't just be right here
an enigma wrapped in a mystery, or a fool consumed by fear?

and for every useless reason i know, there's a reason not to care
if i hide myself wherever i go, am i ever really there?

i will give you all i could ever give, tho it's less than you will need
could you just forget if you can't forgive all the things i could not concede?

and for every useless reason i know, there's a reason not to care
if i hide myself wherever i go, am i ever really there?

-Barenaked Ladies
~they say that jesus and mental health are just for those that can help themselves, well what good is that when you live in hell on earth?, the very fear that makes you wanna die, is just the same as what keeps you alive, it's way more trouble than some suicide is worth.~
~i said we're only trying to get us some peace, christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be, the way things are going, they're going to crucify me~

Hysterics

i can feel it sitting in my chest.
the bubbles are tickling the back of my throat.
laughter is making it's way up my esophagus.
funny, funny, funny.
life is funny, man.
people you once thought you understood are turning.
blooming into something else entirely.
the shapes become grotesque parodies of what could have been.
mouths turn sideways in their slanted heads.
furtive.
you're all so furtive.
whispering to keep me from hearing but i know.
betrayal never stays quiet for long.
disgust blankets my senses
it's sad when you prefer a cokehead who is highly unstable
over
someone who just wants an equal and true friendship.
it's sad
and it says a lot about everyone involved.
apparently as you've all changed
so has your definition of 'friendship'
until everything is unrecognizable.
i don't want anything to do with people who want anything to do with that mess
it sickens me.
you've all grown but matured so little.
you make me feel crazy
(or is that just me?)
and so undesireable
in any given shape or form
well i'm done
i refuse to shield you from my sentiments
grow up or grow away
you're losing me
while i'm trying to lose you
i don't need neglect
or your forgetful excuses
you can keep them
and use them on each other
over and over and over
again
outraged, I'm outraged
something needs to change
i'm working on me
none of you are working on anything
(or so it seems)
the disparity grows
and the distance elongates
shape-shifting like you
but different
I remain mutable to the outside world
while inside i solidify
i will do what might make me happy
there's no tears in trying
all the invitations have been revoked
i would rather be alone
than in the midst of the betrayers
smiling vacant smiles that go nowhere before they die.
but not me
i will follow my own drummer
and leave you all tone deaf, behind.

fuck was i...

love grows in me like a tumor
parasite bent on devouring its host
i'm developing my sense of humor
til i can laugh at my heart between your teeth
till i can laugh at my face beneath your feet
skillet on the stove
it's such a temptation
maybe i'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned

what the fuck was i thinking?

love plows through me like a dozer
i've got more give than a bale of hay
and there's always a big mess left over
with the what did you do? and what did you say?
what did you do? and what did you say?
skillet on the stove
it's such a temptation
maybe i'll be the special one that doesn't get burned
what the fuck was i thinking?
what the fuck was i thinking?
what the fuck was i thinking?
what the fuck was i thinking?

love tears me up like a demon
opens the wounds and then fills them with lead
and i'm having some trouble just breathing
if we weren't such good friends i'd think that i'd hate you
if we weren't such good friends i'd wish you were dead
skillet on the stove
it's such a temptation
maybe i'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned
what the fuck was i thinking?
what the fuck was i thinking?
what the fuck was i thinking?
what the fuck was i thinking?

i'm this awkward and uncomfortable thing, and i'm running out of places to hide in, i'm running out of places to hide in....

-Jenny Owens Young