The snow is blowing. Huge drifts appear and dissapear, created and destroyed by the wind. The road behind my house is barely visable; car lights fading into whiteness. I wonder about the people in those cars. They must be on their way to something very important to risk their lives.
I'm going to write an essay.
I'm going to email my prof.
I'm going to drink, drink my head quiet.
Hot Toddy and blankets on the bed.
My back aches, and my hips and knees are slowly giving out.
I should have been exercising this semester but it's a struggle.
Struggle to find anyone to join me, struggle to find time, struggle to find motivation.
What are friends?
What is the nature of friendship?
Somedays I think I have a very different understanding of how the world works than most people I know.
To me, friendship is sacred. Friendship means being there for your friends regardless of what happens. Friendship means trying to cheer up someone who is down for no other reward than a smile. To me, friendship means inclusion, not exclusion. To me, friendship is enjoying the company, not worrying about the financial consequences. Friendship is walking into the mouth of hell with someone and smiling about it. Friendship is being concerned for the well-being of those friends. Friendship is seeing an issue and talking it out in order to help, not ignoring it in hopes it will go away. Friendship is calling to say "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to make it. Have Fun anyways!" Friendship is about treating others with the respect you would want from them. Friendship is about loyalty. Frienship is about sharing. Friendship is about wanting the best for your friends. I'd gladly do everything possible to help a friend in serious need.
More often than not, I feel friendless.
No one is walking beside me. No one wants to devote any time to keeping in touch. No one is willing to return the values I hold dear. It drives me absolutely up the wall when people say they will do something and then never bother to even notify you that they won't be keeping up their promise. I can't understand if I am too demanding in my understanding of what friendship is, or if everyone else just settles for crap.
I question why I am friends with certain people sometimes, because it seems I give to them more than they return to me. Shouldn't friendships be equal? Shouldn't all the things I do for you, and all the ways I support you be reciproated? or is it ok for you to accept all my compliments in silence?
I'm not asking for a limb. I'm asking for recognition. I'm tired of oscillating. I'm going to start making changes in my life soon. Consider this your heads up.
You complain to me about the lack of contact you get from some of your friends, and then do the same thing to me. I'm over it.
I'd rather fall by myself than let you tear me down.
I'm so used to being alone now, I really don't think I'll ever be in an intimate relationship. Even my supposed best friend from years ago, Martha, didn't know me very well when she decided to freak the hell out on me.
By products of traveling as a child. No concrete home, no concrete friends, no confidants, no nothing.
All I know is that the way I strive to treat people (my friends) is not how I am treated in turn and that's going to end. I'm tired of feeling like a bad person because I don't get invited to shit like New Years Eve parties. (or that someone who has proven time and again not to be worthy of the title 'friend' gets invited instead of yours truley).
But that's ok, because if that's how it is...then I'm not sure I want you as a friend either.
Choices will be made. These are not threats, they are public service annoucements.
If you are wondering why I don't respond to you via facebook, or call you anymore, or generally try to stay in your life, then you should evaluate your definition of friendship, because it no longer jives with mine. (or ever really did jive with mine, and I got sick of trying when you weren't)
I'm content to be alone most of the time. It's easier to bear than pretending to be ok with "friends".
If you treat me as the friend you only have to see once every couple of months, then I'm not interested. That's not friendship to me, and I suggest you leave me the hell alone with that mess before you bite off more than you can chew.
I have a vicious streak that I'm not proud of, but it's a part of me. Provoked, I can be awful. I have a ridiculous sense of entitlement that completely goes against how I like to envision the world working. I was spoiled as a child...but I was also fat, and teased mercilessly. I've seen both sides of the coin, and I have exceeding sympathy for those who have to deal with the shit other people dump on them.
Thus...be my friend or leave me alone. I do better when I can do things my own way, and pretending to be my friend and making me feel obligations to you when you could care less is starting to annoy me. I'll show up and smile and shake your hand, but there's nothing beyond that.
It's just snow, blowing in every direction. I'm no more a solid friend to you than a snow drift. It's important to realize these things before you get seriously hurt.
-Jess
~everything I touch turns to shit, eveyone i try to love won't hear of it, now my hands are overfull with things i'd like to give, does anybody want it? does anybody want it? does anybody want me?/ i've been mapping it out, i dont know what wrong with me, but i wish that it was something else, I've been mapping it out, maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself, there's silence at the bottom of a bottle, ba bada da...there's silence at the bottom of a bottle, ba bada da.../~
Drinking Song- Jenny Owens Young
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