Today is not a good day.
I feel like crawling out of my skin.
I don't like me, or want to be near me, or want to listen to anything I have to say. I'm in no mood to entertain other people and have done nothing productive with my time. I slept for 2 hours last night. I didn't get sleepy until well after 3 am and then fought going to sleep for reasons I can't articulate.
All I want is to be left alone to my own devices. I just want to disappear. Step out of the tableaux and capture it for posterity.
I want to do my school work. I want to pass the courses I've been struggling through all semester.
I can't focus on it though. The words skitter across the page, and corralling them into manageable lines takes more effort than I have to give. The concepts are too big, crushing me under their massive weight. Reading is like moving boulders by hand; impossible.
The roads to the future are so long and I'm already so tired. I'm exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally.
I've hit the proverbial wall.
All my patience is gone.
For myself, for others.
Be creative already!
Be financially responsible already!
Be organized already!
Stop staring into space; bouncing around in your head.
What happens when the choices stop being yours to make? What happens when the things you want to do get waylaid by things your head can't control? What happens when the thoughts won't stop? What happens when they refuse to be orderly and connected?
How am I to find my way back when I had only the briefest glimpses of where I started?
Do I want to find my way back when I will only be repeating this struggle over and over and over again?
How monotonous life can be.
How overwhelming.
The ominous dichotomy swallowed me whole.
-Jessica Leigh Dec 2007
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