Can't Control It, Try As I Might...

It's raining. It's been raining for hours. It rained all through the night, the sharp retort of each drop exploding upon impact echoing in my room like a sad refrain. Rain is a curious thing...it can alternately make one feel depressed and despondent, or cozy and secure. As with all things, it depends on your point of view. Those trudging through the rain getting soaked to the bone will probably attest that there is little worse in terms of inclement weather. Those curled up under a blanket on a sofa, reading whilst the rain flings itself at window panes fruitlessly probably have a different view on the whole situation.

It's 11:30am as I write this. I have an hour until I am supposed to leave to attend class. I can't help wanting to stay home today. The rain has made me lazy and a little sad. Grey skies always have an oppressive feeling about them. Elton has just walked across the bed to curl up against my leg and that too, makes me want to stay. His warm, little, fuzzy body melts my resolve to get up and shower like a heat lamp over an ice cube. I would be content to lay here and read with him curled up at my side all day.

Every time a day like this comes up, the temptation to stay home and read becomes overwhelming. To just skip out on classes and read under a warm blanket, drinking coffee all day in my pajamas while the rain punishes those foolish enough to venture outside. I live for days like that...but the mental dilemma I go through every time is almost enough to push me to my feet and get me moving.

Don't get me wrong, I love learning...I love school. I love reading and discussing my ideas with my peers. It's the physical reality of sitting in a classroom for hours that irks me. I become easily bored in that setting...my mind wanders. Sometimes I read ahead in our work. But more often than not, large parts of the lecture escape me. Is it worth going to a lecture when you only absorb half of it?

And then my reason says "yes, of course it is. If you can't take away everything from the lecture, at least you got something from it. And really, you have missed enough classes already, haven't you? This could be the day they get the material for the midterm, would you like to miss that?"

And I can only admit that missing the material for the midterm would be a hard blow indeed, and put me quite behind. So then I feel compelled to check my syllabus to make sure that the midterm is not for at least a week yet. Having done that, I feel more confident in my decision to skip the class. And if I am going to skip that class, then I might as well skip the one directly after it. Since my final class of the day does not start until 5:30pm, and the last class before it ends at 4pm, it makes little sense to go for one class, wait around for an hour and a half, and then sit through a 3 hour class.

But then my reason pipes up again "But think of your attendance marks! You will be throwing away a free 5%! This could be the difference between a C+ and a B! You have not been to one 17th C Lit class ALL WEEK. You missed his class yesterday and now you are going to skip the majority of of classes today?? How hard is it to get on a bus and sit in a room quietly?!"

Sometimes I wonder if everyone has these little mental moral battles. Should I go to class when I do not feel like being there? Should I do what would make me happy? Is staying home to read a valid reason for missing class? If I have no time to do my readings on the weekend on account of my parents not taking my schedule into consideration, does that make it more acceptable? How come staying home to do work for school feels like I'm not doing anything at all, and simply blowing a day? How can I be studious and frivolous at the same time? The drudgery of my day to day routine is wearing me thin. I begin to rationalize.
"I need a day to myself. I haven't had a day to myself in a while, where I've done nothing but read and get caught up on school work. My weekends have all been dedicated to straightening the house up for showings and seeing family and friends...there has been no time for reading the past few weekends. " Although I know full well I did nothing on Monday, the thanksgiving holiday. Little reading was accomplished...but the rationalizing continues unabated.
"That was a holiday. That was a day of rest and relaxation, not a day of school work or house work. This will be your school work day."

Am I insane? Do other people have these conversations with themselves? Talk themselves in to and out of various situations and responsibilities? Give themselves anxiety attacks over their own disapproval? Sometimes I wonder, man...what the hell is wrong with me? How come nothing is ever easy with me? Everything in my life is a struggle...even my own mental faculties are divided and set against each other.

I am resolved to be bold. I will make a stand against this mental tyranny I have over myself. I will NOT be attending classes today,and I will devote myself to following my initial whim. I will stay home and read. And possibly get a hold of some Mary-Jane and shut my inner monologue up for an hour or so at a time. Will I be rewarded for this impulsive decision or punished? Time will tell me what I cannot know right now. Hopefully, my Profs will not find enough fault with my absence to fail me. (I doubt it...although...oh, do shut up! No more bantering! I will hear no more arguments today.)

~Tomorrow comes, sorrow becomes his soulmate, the damage is done, the prodigal son is too late, all the doors are closed but he's always open, to anytime in his mind...~