Reflections on Paradise Lost

Seek to turn things around,
profound sense of simian sin.
He knew humans thrilled at ego
but gave them one anyway.

Rubber-necks and lost spines;
easy way out is futile.
All the exits lead the same way,
through the house of mirrors and conscience.

Angelic powers, only show dungeons-
horrible responsability tethered
to unwilling will and lesser hope.
Drag the faces out of the light,

And show us all the dark you possess.

-Jessica Leigh P Oct 2007

Subtitles - Eric Hutchinson

These days i feel like i'm watching a movie, with subtitles only i can't read the words, you do your best to make sure i understand you, but these foreign topics always seem so absurd, and more and more i find i don't get the meaning, but i do appreciate your likeable appeal, you say your trying to drive us in the right direction but i get the feeling your falling asleep at the wheel,

so don't tell me you will when you know that you wont, don't say that you do when you know that you don't, cause the more that you give the less that i get, and the more that we share is the more i regret, cause i don't have much to believe in, that's why i'm always counting on you, i don't have much to believe in, but if i did you know i would in beautiful you...

these days i feel like i'm talking to no-one,...its cause i'm usually not, you keep pushing for a brand new begining, but you can't release me when i havn't been caught, you keep saying that i'm just getting stranger, that you dont even know what i stand for these days, i'd like to say dont worry, we'll get through it, but i get the feeling that this isn't just a phase,

so dont tell me to yell when you want me to whisper, dont spin the bottle if you don't want to kiss her, cause the closer we get, well the further i feel, and the less that we fake well the more that seems real, cause i don't have much to believe in, that's why i'm always counting on you, i don't have much to believe in, but if i did you know i'd be doing it for you...

On a day full of lectures...

I feel I am sitting in tapioca.

18th Century Literature

Empy room or empty head?
words flow like fancies; falling,
dripping from her rosebud lips
in accent so pleasing that
the sentences fragment themselves;
deconstruction by will, a first
in the autonomous life of words.

Nothing sticks inside
shiny, hardened void
where lectures go to die.
Nothing holds on like it should,
if there was any sense in anything
that i'm hearing from you -
which is to say, that you make sense
just not to me today.

Stop! Too much now,
the brain is full of logic
bashing into itself and shaking the reason loose.
Bah! It's gone now;
swimming in an imposible sea
from which my net only grasps
every other fish you throw in
But, that is enough to feed
myself, and you, and the others-
30 people in an emtpy room.

-Jessica Pumphrey Oct 2007

yeah, this one is not edited either. Feel free to go to town.

~everybodies on the food chain funny but from day to day we get from bottom to top and if you get lost you start over again but we don't ever get to stop~

Unedited Expulsion

Stress compounded into a thousand fiery parts
all moving like individual flames
can't just do it all once
burned over and over again

The earth revolves away
spinning my plans apart like matchsticks
can't catch them all today
regain composure at a later date.

Caught on my own tongue
like a shard of ice, melting
like my weekend, singed
to hell with no reprieve, first impressions last

By the skin of my teeth,
The knick of time,
The potential waits
in a maleable state.

-JessicaLeigh Oct. 2007

Insert pithy title here....

Here I am, typing away on my laptop. I'm missing classes today so I can finish my essay by 5pm. (And thus hand it in @ 5:30pm) One of my classes (Med. Lit) had a 'recitation' due today for 5 %. I was torn, because I'd rather not throw away 5% of my mark but this essay is worth 20%. I figured it was more important to do the essay. And I also feel crappy cause I've been missing a lot of classes in the last 3 weeks. I just don't have time to stay on top of everything! I'm going from deadline to deadline without a second to just breathe.
I have to leave the house for showings...last night I had to leave for 45mins in the middle of my essay...it's just getting ridiculous. If the house doesn't sell soon, I'm going to just move out I think and let my parents deal with it. I can't live like this much longer.
GAH...now it's almost noon and I have 4 pages left...I have to have a shower...and get down to Chuckles' to pick up before 5pm.
Sometimes I would give anything to just move the hell out into the country, do my work by proxy and grow plants like they were my babies. That would be my life and I would LOVE it. No deadlines, no harrasment, no people showing up without calling...it would be awesome.
Sometimes I think I'm fundamentally different from most people. I could easily live by myself...in fact I strongly suspect I will be alone for the majority of my life. My friends include me in large group activities sometimes...but sometimes when they all go out for dinner or to a movie my invite gets lost in the mail. When there's an adventure to be had, (Let's drive up to the cottage for lunch today! or...Let's have breakfast at the sugar bush!) my name rarely comes up as companion. As well, my circle of friends is limited to maybe 6-7 people. I played hockey like it was my religion and made my teamates my friends. When the team was split up, I lost a lot of friends. And by dint of being at hockey so much, my high school friends didn't see me as much as I would have liked. They stopped inviting me to things, assuming I would be at hockey. And to top it all off, I moved a lot when I was a kid. This is my 11th house in my 23 years. Never stayed in one place long enough to make any good, solid friendships. And after moving so much and meeting so many shallow, self-absorbed people, my tendency is not to seek out friendships. I've had too many that go nowhere and drop off at the first sign of change. I guess that would qualify me for 'Trust Issues', but I firmly believe that it's not all on me. I can only learn what I am taught.
As for a love life, non-existant would be the most approriate term. Never had a boyfriend, never been romanced or wanted. No man has shown the least amount of interest in me, and by that judgement I must accept that I am either fated to be alone, or hideously ugly. Or both, but that would be a severe blow indeed.
That being said, I must confess that I'm rarely impressed with males anyways. Insensitive, brash, rude, and generally not overly quick on the uptake. Younger women annoy me, with their pettiness and falsities. Anyone who adpots the attitude that they are better than others needs a swift readjustment curtesy of my foot.
And now I'm sick. My nose is so sore I can barely blow it anymore and so exceedingly dry that even Aloe Vera isn't doing anything.
If these are my trials and tribulations, then the reward for perserverance better be good, God. That's all I can say on this subject right now. I am exhausted and stressed. Time to return to the essay.
-J
~ok is alright with me, somethings are just meant to be, it never comes easily, and when it does i'm already gone, i'm practically never still, more likely to move until i end up alone at will, my life continues inching along...~

She doesn't care how she gets there, long as she gets somewhere...

what a day...

I miss my class, and my meeting with my prof...the patio in the backyard is now in though, and work was sort of ho-hum. Now I'd like to go see my cousin's new apartment, but her brother, my other cousin, has jumped ship and unreachable. Now instead of getting a ride, I must get back on the bus from whence I came not 2 hours ago, and retrace my steps downtown and try to find her place alone. Tomorrow I am supposed to be going to Montebello for my grandparents 50th, but I can't find anyone who can house sit from 9am-5pm so the chimney inspector can come in. The property manager conveniently scheduled this activity for the same day as my grandparents' shindig, and I've been so ridiculously all over the place that I haven't had time to call anyone until today. Now everyone either has plans for the weekend or can't commit to sitting here for 8 hours while waiting for the inspector to show up.
Not a promising start to the weekend.

I hate to disappoint my grandparents, but I suppose that's what happens when everyone makes plans and no one asks if the plans are good for everyone involved. I was never asked by the property manager if this was a good day for me...and neither by my grandmother. So now I'm caught in the middle and if I don't have someone here for the inspector, I have to pay out of my own pocket to get someone back to check everything. So, naturally, I'm going to do what costs me less, right? I don't know...I hate to bail on my family. And I dislike the property manager with an intensity that borders on insanity. I loose all good judgement as soon as he sticks his nose into our affairs and just want to scream in his crotchety old man face. So giving him a key, like he suggests, is not really an option for me. Unless by 'give him a key' he means some sort of assasination attempt, which seems unlikely even to me.

As for right now...another dilemma. Do I wait for my cousin who must be showing up at some point, even if just to collect his belongings...or do I take a bus down to my other cousin's and not bother waiting any longer? OR...now that my friend J--- has called, do I hang out with him and wait for my cousin? Do I invite him to my cousin's apartment soiree? What the hell do I do in this social position? How do I get myself into these situations? And how in the world am I to get myself out again? Ok...maybe I should call A---- at her apartment and see what she thinks...if she'll miss me if I don't go.

So...my cousin called to say he was having a shower and then he'd be on his way...45 minutes later...and I'm all dressed up, with somewhere to go...still waiting.

I might as well check the smoke alarms if I've got nothing else to occupy me.

Can't Control It, Try As I Might...

It's raining. It's been raining for hours. It rained all through the night, the sharp retort of each drop exploding upon impact echoing in my room like a sad refrain. Rain is a curious thing...it can alternately make one feel depressed and despondent, or cozy and secure. As with all things, it depends on your point of view. Those trudging through the rain getting soaked to the bone will probably attest that there is little worse in terms of inclement weather. Those curled up under a blanket on a sofa, reading whilst the rain flings itself at window panes fruitlessly probably have a different view on the whole situation.

It's 11:30am as I write this. I have an hour until I am supposed to leave to attend class. I can't help wanting to stay home today. The rain has made me lazy and a little sad. Grey skies always have an oppressive feeling about them. Elton has just walked across the bed to curl up against my leg and that too, makes me want to stay. His warm, little, fuzzy body melts my resolve to get up and shower like a heat lamp over an ice cube. I would be content to lay here and read with him curled up at my side all day.

Every time a day like this comes up, the temptation to stay home and read becomes overwhelming. To just skip out on classes and read under a warm blanket, drinking coffee all day in my pajamas while the rain punishes those foolish enough to venture outside. I live for days like that...but the mental dilemma I go through every time is almost enough to push me to my feet and get me moving.

Don't get me wrong, I love learning...I love school. I love reading and discussing my ideas with my peers. It's the physical reality of sitting in a classroom for hours that irks me. I become easily bored in that setting...my mind wanders. Sometimes I read ahead in our work. But more often than not, large parts of the lecture escape me. Is it worth going to a lecture when you only absorb half of it?

And then my reason says "yes, of course it is. If you can't take away everything from the lecture, at least you got something from it. And really, you have missed enough classes already, haven't you? This could be the day they get the material for the midterm, would you like to miss that?"

And I can only admit that missing the material for the midterm would be a hard blow indeed, and put me quite behind. So then I feel compelled to check my syllabus to make sure that the midterm is not for at least a week yet. Having done that, I feel more confident in my decision to skip the class. And if I am going to skip that class, then I might as well skip the one directly after it. Since my final class of the day does not start until 5:30pm, and the last class before it ends at 4pm, it makes little sense to go for one class, wait around for an hour and a half, and then sit through a 3 hour class.

But then my reason pipes up again "But think of your attendance marks! You will be throwing away a free 5%! This could be the difference between a C+ and a B! You have not been to one 17th C Lit class ALL WEEK. You missed his class yesterday and now you are going to skip the majority of of classes today?? How hard is it to get on a bus and sit in a room quietly?!"

Sometimes I wonder if everyone has these little mental moral battles. Should I go to class when I do not feel like being there? Should I do what would make me happy? Is staying home to read a valid reason for missing class? If I have no time to do my readings on the weekend on account of my parents not taking my schedule into consideration, does that make it more acceptable? How come staying home to do work for school feels like I'm not doing anything at all, and simply blowing a day? How can I be studious and frivolous at the same time? The drudgery of my day to day routine is wearing me thin. I begin to rationalize.
"I need a day to myself. I haven't had a day to myself in a while, where I've done nothing but read and get caught up on school work. My weekends have all been dedicated to straightening the house up for showings and seeing family and friends...there has been no time for reading the past few weekends. " Although I know full well I did nothing on Monday, the thanksgiving holiday. Little reading was accomplished...but the rationalizing continues unabated.
"That was a holiday. That was a day of rest and relaxation, not a day of school work or house work. This will be your school work day."

Am I insane? Do other people have these conversations with themselves? Talk themselves in to and out of various situations and responsibilities? Give themselves anxiety attacks over their own disapproval? Sometimes I wonder, man...what the hell is wrong with me? How come nothing is ever easy with me? Everything in my life is a struggle...even my own mental faculties are divided and set against each other.

I am resolved to be bold. I will make a stand against this mental tyranny I have over myself. I will NOT be attending classes today,and I will devote myself to following my initial whim. I will stay home and read. And possibly get a hold of some Mary-Jane and shut my inner monologue up for an hour or so at a time. Will I be rewarded for this impulsive decision or punished? Time will tell me what I cannot know right now. Hopefully, my Profs will not find enough fault with my absence to fail me. (I doubt it...although...oh, do shut up! No more bantering! I will hear no more arguments today.)

~Tomorrow comes, sorrow becomes his soulmate, the damage is done, the prodigal son is too late, all the doors are closed but he's always open, to anytime in his mind...~

Inaugural Post

So here's the deal. I've got to stop fucking around and get some writing done. If I want this half as bad as I claim, then there's going to have to be some changes made around here. And by around here, I literally mean here, as I'm in the process of moving.

I say I want to write, but no time seems to be devoted to doing any writing of my own. All I do is enviously read other's masterpieces. This will change.


Not to alarm anyone, but I mean now. This instant.

I'm tired of sitting and waiting for others to decide what is best for me. I want this, it is within my grasp and I'll be damned if I am the reason I don't get anywhere with my writing.

So. Here I am. Intimidated but exhilirated all the same. The goal? To write in here at least once a day, if not more. Thoughts, poems, rants, whatever comes to mind but it must be honest and true to me as an individual and as an artist. Cheap, petty thoughts shall not traverse these sanctified...pages. Sorta. Fuck.

With this in mind, I shall return to Gulliver's Travels.